It’s been a confusing week. Perhaps the multiple snowstorms at the end of April should have been my first tipoff. For some reason, socializing has been particularly difficult recently. Talking to other people has been nearly as exhausting for me as it used to be years ago. I’m still going to a lot of different events, but I find myself counting the hours and needing more recovery time afterwards.
I think a large part is the stress and uncertainty from my new job. It’s ironic – I used to be worried that I was running out of money, but now that I have money I’m worried that I’ll let down the people who are depending on me to come through for them. When do I get to retire?
And I had to make a really difficult decision a few days ago. The people I trust the most tell me it was the right one, and I agree, but I hate to make good people feel bad. I wish the right decision didn’t make me so sad, either.
I’m reading Nassim Taleb’s The Black Swan. While the author does come across as a negative, pessimistic, elitist, anti-academic devil’s advocate, he does make some good points. He uses the analogy of a Black Swan to say that some events are inherently unpredictable, no matter how much information you need, and in fact it is those events that tend to define our world. He also points out that some careers (say, a doctor) trade time for money straightforwardly and are fairly immune to unexpected events. Others (say, rock star or entrepreneur) are dominated by black swan events, and your success depends on choosing a lifestyle that maximizes the chance of a black swan occurring.
I think I’m currently living a black swan lifestyle. I remind myself that a high-variance lifestyle is going to have these low times, by design, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
On the bright side, I did learn to make soap and cheese last weekend. And the next few days are jam-packed with more random events and random people.
